| I raise my brow as I raise my skirt a few inches |
[entries|friends|calendar] |
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| took me long enough...... |
[09 Dec 2008|10:29am] |
Ten things I wish I could say to ten different people right now. (That's alot of people)
10. I am ready.
9. I went through so much with you and one interaction left you mute. I want us to communicate but I don’t know how to approach, and I would rather not feel awkward. For someone who made such an impact in my life why do you feel the need to stay distant
8. It hasn’t been long, but you have gone out of your way to prove yourself. He should feel ashamed because you truly are a wonderful person
7. There are times when I feel I cant relate to others because they judge me, you never make me feel that way.
6. Sometimes I wish we never met. What was the point? What did we take back with us, what did we gain? What did we miss?
5. I know who you are but because you have no backbone you let others decide for you. It is sad, and in reality I’m not the one who is pathetic. When your friendship ends you will have no one who is true to you because you have decided to push them out of your life when it didn’t go your way, when you wanted it. You’re a spoiled girl and I feel bad for you, honestly. It makes me laugh. And I hope when I write you that message you fucking sob. You’ll thank me in the end. Watch.
4. No one will know what really goes on behind closed doors, but for your sake you need to just move on. You’re far too special to me to see you shelter history
3. You could never be replaced, I would go to the end of the world for you if I needed to you. You’re my family and the one person I go to for anything. You always listen and always give me true advice. I just fucking love you.
2. Get off your fucking ass and make it happen, you lost your passion because you’re too shy and afraid of change. Time waits for no one.
1. You saved me. You stood by my side and fought for me when no one else agreed with you. You saw the person I was inside and made me a better. You give me the courage to fight and now I want you to do the same for you. You’re so passionate but you let your downfalls consume you because you’re in fear of the fall. I know you will do something, you just need to go out there and make it happen. Stop thinking so big because you need to crawl before you can walk. Nine things about myself.
9. It has been over 2 years and I still cannot seem to stop thinking about the events that took place before, during, and after. Just when you think it is ok, one thing will remind you of it all.
8. I have an externship/internship in Paris waiting for me
7. I fall asleep to sounds of beach waves crashing
6. I have a food blog
5. I get anxiety for the most obscure reasons
4. I love to cook for others, but hate eating it. I’ll make separate meals just for myself
3. I suffer from PTSD
2. I love to go out
1. I am an observer, and my judge of characteristics and actions are always up to par. I swear I have some form of extrasensory perception
Eight ways to win my heart
8. Candy
7. Musically inclined
6. Understanding/ considerate
5. Able to hold deep and intelligent conversations
4. Extroverted
3. Intelligence.
2. Constantly reminding me of their love, our love.
1. Ryan
Seven things that cross my mind a lot.
7. Paying bills
6. Pepper
5. School and having to eventually switch over to day classes in order to graduate which means I need to get a new job
4. Our future together
3. Death…. The constant feeling of loosing others
2. 10/02/06
1. My career, where I’ll go for my externship, and not wanting to wait.
Six things I do before I fall asleep
6. Walk Pepper
5. Shower
4. Brush my teeth
3. Watch tv/ Read
2. Pray
1. Snuggle Pepper
Five people who mean a lot.
5. Grandpa/ Tilly
4. Father
3. Ryan
2. Michael
1. Mom
Four things you're wearing right now.
4. Straight legs
3. Juicy Couture
2. Victoria S.
1. Forever 21
Three songs that you listen to often, right now.
3. Rogue Wave: Love’s lost guarantee
2. Chin up Chin up: Collide the Tide
1. Anything Minus the Bear
Two things you want to do before you die.
2. Live in Paris
1. Get the balls to change my hair color
One confession. (maybe 2... someone's gotta break the rules)
1. Before I go to bed at night I cant help but think of the emotional and physical feeling of loosing family or close friends. Morbid it is, but it is bound to happen eventually through your lifetime. How can you manage to find the energy to move forward? How can you accept such a deep loss or even come to terms.
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[18 Sep 2008|02:02am] |
Your eyes and mind can only retain so much truth. I am nauseated. I should have known....
what path do i take now?
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| You drop more coins in a casino then michael j. fox at a parking meter |
[18 Aug 2008|11:19am] |
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Completely consumed by this uncontrollable force, I have entered this web-o-sphere land while playing my own version of 2nd life. I am being thrown into a state of panic- I am a monster. Suffocating in your own skin ; you are racing so fast you should win your own classification of an Olympic medal. Gradually expanding beyond its original limits, fluids have no avail. My temple has become an invader of my own world peace. Someone protest-for that an indefinite physical response depends on non-surgical treatment. Every minute is an expectation. Every expectation is conquering another minute Cumulonimbus clouds mating my cerebral cortex. I have no air left so acupuncture every cubic inch of my distinguished limbs. Sensible objects bounce as my journalistic work makes more sense than an unfermented yeast pre-ferment dough. A 14th century verb of scatter. Scrabble my mind while I scramble these eggs, apprehensive of commotion and senseless sound. I only have the time it takes to ice and bake a cake.
Suck it.
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| Quality freshness guaranteed |
[12 Aug 2008|11:00am] |
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Is it a boiling concoction of emotion and stress? Or do they have an infinite separation? At this point I am not sure. The underlining reason seems like a stained glass hanging over a church pew-people kneeling, praying for redemption from some higher power. We all want to be defined and know our purpose, passion, reason for being. We take our society for granted as well as our united state of being free. Heart races, beats faster than a 4-legged mammal in this survival of the fittest atmosphere. No one wants to be controlled by an undetermined cause nor do they want to live in a constant fear for being alive. Danger, Danger everywhere, when will it all subside? When do two points meet to find common ground so you can figure some sanity in your own tranquility. It creeps like a wolf searching for prey when the circle of life is dwindling-famished. Completely consumed, you’re left without a fight, depleted of energy and substance, electrolytes evaporate from your tender, paralyzed soul. The only sign of you have is your stressing progress of individual freedom with the mise en place of understanding…..what? Doctor, Doctor number nine- can you repair with un-bias wisdom of studying books and common knowledge? If one is reasonable enough can I overcome this position with regard of someone or something in vertical arrangement? Diagnosis abracadabra I want you to be my Houdini. Just an innocent intermingling of thoughts and recent feelings.
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| Go for the one shot of where you are |
[06 Aug 2008|03:52pm] |
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We learn from our mistakes and our past. We use our weaknesses, agony, and filtered suffering to turn them into a capability of exerting great stability and strength. I believe everything has a future meaning and purpose, we are not sure why all of these situations fall into place the way they do- but somewhere, somehow, someday that status quo will reveal life’s on going project. Relationships are not easy and never will be. You have two complete strangers, meshing different personalities to form a balanced soul. It takes dedication, time, communication, fighting, and respect. It will only hurt most when you are naïve. Every new relationship is a new page in your life with a course of instructions to learn, study and experience. The day you can grasp the significance of what you shared with others and accept the failure you endured you can understanding yourself more and move forward. It is difficult and takes courage, it is not something that can be forced, rather it is something that naturally happens in due time. Don’t let others be the captain of your ship. “All the meaning in the moment, beyond that just chapters in our lives. A lot to carry and a lot to sort through” Take it for what it is
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| I beat bitches! |
[27 Mar 2007|08:12pm] |
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if we ever meet....
Some win with sugar and honey.
But i win with vinegar and rubbing alcohol.
GYDS+YBGI+GYAO+APT+PORCH+CLOSET+ALL OF US= hardcore. I fucking love you allllllllllllll.
hey lauren,
You sexy mofo! Im giving you everything all my joy can bring yes i swear! YES I SWEAR! where would i be without you? please tell me. <3 forever and ever and we will never say never.
I prob effed up that one line.
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| xtra large gloves |
[19 Nov 2006|11:35pm] |
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My life has been so hetic and so busy lately im surprised i have room to breath. I go to school Monday- Friday 8-2 and then I work 6 days a week sometimes until 3am, most of the time until 10-12.I usually have about an hour and a half to get home from school, eat, change, do a couple of odds and ends, then before i know it i have to get ready and leave for work at 4. Although, I can't really complain that much because I love being busy. I love my school, I love the people I have met along the way especially 3 certain people. We have created something that is going to make us rich. We are in the process of patenting our idea which is a crazy thought in its self. Thanksgiving is coming up which means my family is expecting me to cook considering that is what I go to school for. I am going to be knee deep in cooking starting tomorrow and lets tack on school, work, and extra time to work on my group project.
I guess the main reason for this post is to send out a sorry to my close friends. Its not that I dont want to make time to hang out, but you have to realize i am extremely busy. My away messages either say school or work and majority of the time nothing else. I would love to hear from everyone, even a quick text. If you're online, posted a blog, myspace whatever it is, i have been trying to leave messages to let you know im still alive and that i still care and im not just brushing everyone off.
I have never been so consumed in my entire life, but at the end of the week it is a great feeling of accomplishment to know that Im taking control over everything in life and knowing the path i am heading towards puts a huge smile on my face because I have done it all by myself and busted my ass along the way.
I miss you all and I hope we can catch up sometime soon.
<3
Ashley
'awesome'
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[24 Aug 2006|10:57pm] |
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In case I havent expressed myself lately or if you havent seen a lot of me, I apologize and just know I love all of my friends. You guys know who you are, and i really want to see more of you, so give me a call or expect one from me. I need you guys.
Sorry
Ashley
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| Pondering... |
[08 Aug 2006|12:24am] |
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I dont know if i should buy it... I have the money, and i really want it, but im having some doubt.
But it is so beautiful... decisions decisions!! and i still havent even framed the other stuff, im slacking.. i'll make this number 6 on the list to frame... maybe.
<333333
kh
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[02 Aug 2006|03:46pm] |
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I was trying to impress you...
but instead it just makes me sad.
KH <3
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| lets parttyyy |
[03 Dec 2005|01:42pm] |
People are absurd, and YOU would be surprised.
decisions
decisions
decisions.....
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| shhh. |
[15 Sep 2005|11:24am] |
Moving to another journal.
byeee.
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| home... is not pembroke pines anymore |
[14 Aug 2005|12:45am] |
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tv behind me |
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I am finally settled into my apartment. I love the way i set up my room and the living room area. I just cant wait until Kristin gets up here so we can have more things, but of course that isnt all. Its ridiculous how much money my parents spent in the last 2 days between my brother and I. I am so lucky to have them. My roomates are cool. Bryan is the bomb.com and super sweet, Tommy, well, he is another story. He is never home and the first sentence he said to me was "A year ago today we had a hurrricane." Yea... he is an odd one. Whatever, he is never home anyways. I said goodbye to all my parents today as well so we're officically on our own... This is scary and exciting.. I just dont know what to feel aside from anxiety. I really miss a lot of people though. If i could move everyone up to Orlando then life would be so great. Right now it is just boring since everyone that is supposed to move up here doesnt come until next week. Alrighty, i'll update later. Im out of thoughts, and i hope to post some pictures of my room and such.
Until then...
its FREEEEZING in my apartment.
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| Leaving.... |
[09 Aug 2005|07:32pm] |
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tv behind me |
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I leave for Orlando in 2 days and each and every moment that
passes is one more moment that I become scared to death to actually be
on my own. I remember the beginning of senior year i couldnt wait until
i moved and started college, now i am just unbelieveably stressed on
top of other issues. Little by little I pack more and more each day. I
started taking things off my walls yesterday which really makes my room
home. Its weird to walk in my room and see practically bare walls and
things in boxes and bags. If I have any words of advice for the
underclassmen it would be to not take this time for granted because
sooner or later it will all be over in a flash. Especially you
guardies. I would give so much to have it ALL back.
I've never been so stressed and taken on this much responsibility
before. It is quite exhiliratiing but at the same time you feel so
alone. Finally departing from all my friends, the guard, and my home is
unfathomable, i never expected it to be over so soon. Aside from moving
everything else in my life has been going very well...except for all
the unnecessary gossip and false rumors from people who know nothing.
College life should be an incredibly new experience and i cant wait
until the smoke clears from my eyes and i can finally breathe. Visits
home are going to be a must and will quite possibly happen often my
freshman year, until i get old of it and comfortable with my new home
that is. Friday morning is going to be such an emotional day. Im
going to miss everything so much...
Lastly, I want to share some things...
( memories )
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| My knees are hurting |
[25 Jul 2005|10:05pm] |
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music |
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thundering |
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I just finished packing all my clothes to leave tomorrow to come back home. My mom and i bought so much stuff we thought we were going to have to take an extra bag from my aunt to hold everything, but luckily with our good packing skills we managed to stuff eveything neatly, but now its just heavy. We dont leave until 445pm so it gives us basiclly another day with my family. We have a 3 hour layover in Philly. Its long, but the Philly airport has a bunch of stores like Gap and not to mention that it is also duty-free. But then again it means more stuff my mom and i will have to add to our already heavy and stuffed luggage. I dont return until 11pm that is if the plane rides arent delayed.
I enjoyed this trip a lot. Spending time with family and being at my other hometown. It brings out the country girl in me. I think the most memoriable night was when we all had a bbq and then played a lovely game of croquet. Classy, i know. I realize i am beyond horrible at it. None the less it was hilarious. Im going to miss it here. Who knows when i'll return again. When i return home it shall be much fun. Lots of fun things in store, and then the big move. Well, it just started thrundering and lighting time to get ready for bed im all nasty from running a mile on the tredmill.
Until then.
P.S. i just got the best shower curtain EVER! its clear with sushi patterns all over... hahahahaha wait until you see it.
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| i love peppie! |
[23 Jul 2005|05:11pm] |
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talking and typing |
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So im back from the church camp i went to with my cousin. It was their last night there and the only time i could spend with her away from family, and since i knew a lot of people who were there thats why i went. It was nice catching up with people ive known for a very long time. I didnt do anything godly, i didnt plan on it. Instead some virus went around and every single person was starting to get sick and puke. It was insane!! I was just there for middle school camp for the kids.. It was horrible. I disinfected so many door knobs and bathrooms. It was quite amusing. Also helping in the snack shop and making the nachos and cheese. I love my cousin to death! She is amazing. Aside from that being up here is nice. It is good to just be away from home even though i wish i were there. Conversations with him are hilarious as well as hanging out. One main reasons why i cant wait to go home. Talking to other people is just really nice. Like Jared and someone else... Connection time is one of my favorite past times at night. It makes me sane. Im starting to get into the swing of things, reality wise. But i am sure ive said that before or something along those lines. I mean, going to sleep is still very hard and random things make me so upset and miss him to death. But that is life and we move on. Dont know what is happening tonight. I think going to see my cousin sing somewhere? Who knows, but i do know that it is really hot here just like home. It feels good.
Rock N Roll to the 3rd power. soon enough
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| Shark week |
[21 Jul 2005|08:52pm] |
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So here i am in Delaware for the next 5 days. I am happy to be up here because i get to spend time with family members that i hardly see but i am so close to, but at the same time i just want to be home with my friends and do what i normally do before i move in a couple of weeks. I used to spend countless of summers up here and it truly is amazing how much a place can grow within 3 years. I used to love it so much here because of the uniqueness of the country. Now it is becoming populated and busy just like home, well, not quite like home, but i give it a few years. My flights were good. I slept the whole time only waking up to walk to another terminal or to prepare to land. I got about 2 hours of sleep last night before i had to wake up at 530am to go to the airport. My body is finally taking affect of not sleeping, my horrible appetite, and just being stressed out. Everytime i sit down to do nothing, like riding in the car i pass out. Im so exhasuted, but i couldnt pass up a night online. Its like therapy.
Anyways, when i arrived here i headed off to my aunt and uncles house so my mom and i could drop our luggage off, then we went to Olive Garden for my uncles 50th birthday. It was nice even though as Marc says "Its the Dennys of Italian food."I have to agree. I mean, after having his aunts food, Olive Garden cant even compare. Then we went to all mall. Figures my mom would want to go there. I got some clothes for Orlando when it starts to get cold. Tomorrow I am going to spend the day with my cousin. I cant wait. I shall be fun. Who knows what i will be doing the rest of m time here. I do know we're going to go to a beach and the Old Mill crab house! yummm.
Aside from my trip life has been ok. Dealing with shit, trying to stay positive, moving on, packing and cleaning to move, hanging out with certian people, etc, etc... Everything is slowly seeming to get better, but then there are those times when it all just hits me and i am swamped with this slew of depression, but life goes on. The more i think about it the more i am getting excited about moving to Orlando. Kristin and I found out that we will be living with 2 guys. It will be fun. Meeting complete strangers who can possibly give you so many different opportunities in life. I also cant wait to start my major. It brings a smile on my face to begin something ive ben longing to do. As much as people are telling my other wise, the party scene just doesnt interest me as much anymore. Im not saying i wont eventually, but before i couldnt wait to party hard, and now, i cant wait to start my life, my career, my future. I just feel like ive been hit with the maturity stick, if that makes sense. Many things have just been put into prospective for the better.
Well, im tired of typing and basically have nothing more to say. If i went on this would be a novel.
Until then...
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| I hope you taste of me forever |
[16 Jul 2005|03:30am] |
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The nightly sessions have been great and this afternoon. Maybe this wont be as hard as i thought, but that all really happens with time. I Got my hair done today, i like it. Blonder and shorter. Its cute and makes me smile because it feels nice. I took lauren to get her tattoo which is going to turn out amazing since we both got it done by the same guy. I love the people on that show. I totally didnt expect for them to put me on it again, but i am glad they did so i could hold her hand and watch the process of getting a tattoo up close. The best part was the interview they did with me. I just told them how great of a person she is and how she shines after all the shit she has been thru. I love her! After that we went to a party... Interesting, as usual. They keep getting better or maybe thats because my tension is slowly going away. Aside from those dumb 15 year old girls...Tomorrow i am leaving to go to the Keys bright and early with Kristin and her parents. Boat, Sun, Tan, Seafood. I cant wait for her and i to go explore after dark after being on the boat all day! Its one of the greatest feelings. The rest of the weekend should be fun leading up to the week, hopefully that will be good, too.
My mom and bob left to Georgia to pick up the tralier so my brother and i can move. Its scary that the time has actually come to move! When i get my boxes to pack i think i am going to cry. Im leaving my childhood behind and now entering the real world. Sounds like fun! Well, ive hardly slept well and sleeping now is hard, so i am going to try since i do have to get up super early.. or earlier than normal which normal is 230-300.
Enjoy your weekends
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| Tear my heart open |
[15 Jul 2005|03:11am] |
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The past couple of days have been really good considering what the past week has been like emotionally. Then today BAM, my whole world turned upside for something so silly, but that got resolved, quickly thank God. Lately it has seemed like i can get thrown off from reality and then seconds later im ok and i just seem to have the ability to come to terms with myself and the situation as a whole. Aside from that Marc wants to be friends... or try. Obviosuly that makes me less stressed because we are now civil with each other and are trying to look past what has happened. The thing I cant get past is why he wants to be friends or why his mom suggested it. The only way we would ultimately get over each would be to lose contact for a long while, but talking only makes us hang on to each other even more. I would rather us be friends instead of losing him completely and having such tension between us. Maybe this could work? I dont know. Possibly getting to the point where we can talk about being with other people and not getting jealous.... know whos what the future holds, really. I just know he is one of my best friends and that i love him immensly. Losing someone so close, someone so close like him would be sad. He knows me inside and out, literally. Knows me better than anyone out there, aside from Lauren! So in other words. Gotta get stable! lol On that topic of friends, It is a GREAT feeling having old friends back. It really is, and making new ones is just as great.
I have a busy day tomorrow and saturday morning Kristin and I are going to the keys!! Im excited for that =) Beach, sun, tan. :sigh
I also cant wait until Monday. Unfinished business that needs to be tended too and the premier of Laguna Beach!! and possibly the KY fight.
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| WHYYY |
[11 Jul 2005|03:58am] |
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ive been felt so hurt. Ive never hated myself so much, ive never wanted to disappear so badly. I dont want to move to orlando. I cant believe anything.. i feel so empty, so lost, so alone. My heart feel so dead. I cant love anyone, affection from people is pain, crying has turned into an everyday task. I dont know what to do anymore. Seeing couples makes me so angry. I loved him so much.
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